Better Next

Bore me into hell,  immersed in  chaos.  A strong provider I came, an unintended consequence.  Skin as thick as leather , a flame sparked in spite of the downpour. You shook my soul , it broke me; dissociated days of drowning. You took it all back before it was even given .  All my firsts ,  regrets. All laughs, a price to pay.

So gracefully trained into such subtle inadequacy .

You are my biggest enemy, and my very best friend. You are my soulmate, and the reason I have no soul to mate.   Next breath, we halt.

First breath, we will do better.

Station 333

Darling , may you one day open your beautiful blue eyes.

Every blemish, a carefully crafted work of art, each with its own humbling purpose . Such hidden passion, run down by those who while intentions pure, lack insight . The uncanny way of the empathetic man,constantly providing in ways most couldn’t even dream of. The embodiment of loyalty , so gentle and kind. The one I chose. The man I love.

Please give him a home in your heart . A home based in loyalty, love and learning .

Kiss his beautiful , vibrant cheek and listen to his intricate thoughts and his wildest dreams. Allow your soul to hurt should his beautiful green eyes cry in your presence .

Please be kind to him. Enjoy this wonderful ride with this incredibly precious soul . This is my stop, and it’s time for me to step off onto the platform, switching stations ; onwards towards my next lesson. I leave with you a piece of my heart , take good care of it. Take care of him .

Q&A

What’s one thing that’s happened to you that has made you a stronger person? My childhood.

Who do you think has influenced you to who you are today? My  father.

What is your favourite memory? probably the water fight I had with my mom in the house when I was little , I think she was having some sort of “fuck it” moment , we went through a few cases of water and absolutely flooded the place and ended up laughing so hard we cried as we slipped all over the place like crazy people . Or when me and my dad used to go sledding and nearly got decapitated a few times .

What is your biggest regret? Staying in an abusive situation for 11 years because I was told by someone I trusted to keep my mouth shut or it would get worse

Do you enjoy being a webcam model? More than you could ever imagine.

 

Who was your biggest crush and did you ever pursue it?  He was a blonde haired, blue eyed kid. I did pursue it , and when I did, he reenacted my cat getting hit by a car using a bottle of white-out. (we were 10)  

What is your greatest accomplishment? Becoming an exotic dancer in order to save up enough money to move out of the household I was in.

If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?  Any new place where I can make fantastic new memories and that I can fantasize about later on in life.

What is the craziest thing you’ve ever done? Basically all of 2016.

When and why did you start webcam modelling? Read Cesspool silence

What’s the furthest you’ve gone to actually meet somebody you’ve met online ? 8 hours, through a forest on a four wheeler, and then to hell and back. 

If you could buy a house with the money you save what kind of house would you get? One with no cockroaches.

What kind of girl are you, country, city, rockstar…? Mixture of ghetto,redneck and princess, for sure. 

What makes you eager to get online and go to work? The people I meet and connect with. We have a little network of who I actually consider family to me.

How was your experience while dancing?  Dancing taught me how to read people, how to stand up for myself, and how to count . 

When you smile, what goes through your head? Always something silly and cute, like my self talk to myself . “You got this little one”…”Little one has the powaaaa”…”Big day for little one.”  Yes I call myself little one. I am a little one. I am a bite sized ball of love .

Have you ever felt chained from your future or free from your past?  I am in a constant state of excitement towards my future. I have felt free from my past since I was 19 .

What makes you confident/strong? When I am in a good enough place where I can help others. 

What would you do for those who stand close to you? Give them 82 thousand dollars, a diamond ring, and my soul. (whoops)

Despite the dark times, what makes you happy 🙂 ?  Waking up sweaty, with morning breath, bed head, doing the chicken dance in the mirror, and thinking “damn , I am lucky to be able to amuse myself this much.”

What’s your favorite thing to do on cam? Definitely laugh and weird people out

Blinding Blue Lights

I can still feel you move through me ,under the blinding blue lights. Our two eager souls , searching for him in the crowd; that deafening Friday night .

The pills, sitting on the counter.

Singing to me, through a thin veil of matter .

You live in my soul , the brightest shining light . And when I hear the sound of the pipes , I know that one day , me and you will get it right .

Disgusting Figament

“This little girl is the only good thing I’ve ever done” the very familiar voice whispered , the crunching interference of the old 90’s VHS tape followed. She had learned how to love broken men the very day she was born . The baby girl looked adoringly into his eyes and swore that he would always be her hero, no matter how much time should pass.

22 years later , she looked into the same eyes. So much bluer , 34 years younger , filled with pain she couldn’t even begin to understand. “HOW CAN YOU STILL LOVE ME?!”, he screamed, slamming his hands onto the table. “WHY CANT YOU JUST LEAVE?” He spat out.

She chuckled and wiped his tears, and answered his question calmly, with the truest words she had ever spoken , “Because he never did”.422978_10150590325412844_1059874696_n-2

Last Dance

You are exciting.You are gorgeous.You took me to places I never knew existed, both in physical form and emotional form.When I think about you, I hear my own laugh, and see the sparkle in my eyes. The same sparkle that you brought back into my life.You rebooted my soul. Humbled my mind. Is it possible for evil to teach you how to love?

Last night I had a wondrous dream

You were in your tux. Me , an elegant, flowing black dress. I had white elbow high gloves on, and i remember the feel of your hands intertwined in mine .We were in a large ballroom with great chandeliers and elegant dark marble pillars.
We were slow dancing to the beatles’ “here comes the sun”. The lights were dim, I recall the sound of my heels on the marble floor. It was just us. We did not say a word. Our eyes locked the entire time. We were having our “last dance”. The song ended, and the little light that was in that ballroom had dimmed, and two french doors had opened. There was a bright white light shining through them. I grabbed your hand and motioned you to come with me into the light, but you shook your head . I was being pulled backwards by gravity towards this light. You let my hand go and i felt myself flying backwards towards the doorway.You disappeared into the dim light of the ballroom. When i was pulled into the light, i remember looking down,seeing my dress turn to white, then the sound of something that I can only describe as peace,and then I woke up.

This way, You will continue to be exciting. You will continue to be gorgeous.You will take other women to places they never knew existed. I will continue to hear my own laugh when I think about you. My eyes will continue to sparkle.

Goodbye, My youth.

 

12 Deadly Bins

“Whats with the bins?” People asked. I told them I was moving. For most people ,that was good enough. Some asked where, I would give them all different answers,because the truth was far too grim for even I to admit. I started bringing bins of brand new stuff over to my mothers house, when she asked why, I told her that I was planning to move closer to her. Come the 8th bin,My father had told my mother that he doesn’t believe moving was my intention,so my mother became suspicious. At that point,I made a kijiji ad that said I was looking for an apartment ,to throw my mom off. I mean I wasnt even sure yet. I told myself I would wait one month, and if I still felt the exact same, I would act on it.This was January 6. The month was going by very quickly, and I found myself excited for the first time in a long time. I was excited for my life to end. The point had come where continuing to live was FAR scarier than whatever could be waiting for me on the other side, if anything.

Feb 2nd came along, and I was still 100% sure I didn’t want to live. So I purchased an online will,wrote down my funeral information, and wrote down all of my banking info so my mom would get the money i invested (only a modest amount I had not given to him). I finally felt calm. It was all almost over. It was a lovely day. Laying on the couch surrounded by overflowing garbage bags, the thick scent of whiskey and sorrow, and the sound of soul soothing 90’s alt rock. Everything was wonderful,for a second. The second was over as quickly as it started. My sailor moon ringtone starting sounding,and I reluctantly answered. It was my mother. “YOU HAVE COURT TOMORROW FOR THE TRANSGENDERED MAN’S CHILD PORN CASE!”she spatted out. 
Fuck.   “I wonder if he can still be charged if the witness is 6 feet under?”I thought to myself.
It was at that moment that a wave of flashbacks happened. Me as an 8 year old child. the blood covered lip gloss container, the pain, the stash of thousands of names ,my performance schedule. The day I realized the sparkle in my eyes disappeared.A cold shiver went down my spine.
 
“I will be there” I replied. We hung up.
 
The next day , I walked into the court house feeling strong and confident. I would go in, he would get convicted, and in a few days I would be dead to the world that has those kind of people in it . “Nice to meet you, this is what we call a pre-trial” “A PRE trial?! As in theres MORE OF THIS SHIT?” I thought. I got up on the stand ,and was asked a few questions. I was asked how I obtained the evidence, And I, in front of everyone and said “i took it”. “You STOLE IT?” “yes” I replied. (That was technically the truth) I was dismissed. I went home ,my mother followed me to my apartment to make sure I was okay. I told her to leave , and insisted I was fine. I sat there on my bed, bawling my eyes out. Eventually I made it to the bathroom floor where i started throwing up due to the length and violent nature of my crying.”How can i be convicted for trying to save the lives of children that have no choice” I wondered. I eventually made it back to bed and passed out. I woke up feeling like a criminal the next day. Or was it the day after that? I don’t really know, I never left my bed anyways. February 6 came around.
It was D day.
I had woken up around 5pm. With one hand I grabbed my bottle of whiskey, a bottle of gravol, and i started washing the pills down with the whiskey. 30 minutes passed, “I have absolutely no idea how to do this”I realized. “I want to bleed out, thats how I want to die , I should do it before I pass out, the point of the pills and alcohol is to make it easier to go all the way,not to pass out”. I grabbed the scissors and tried to cut a dollarama razor , which I kept dropping due to the effects of the gravol and alcohol. I dropped the scissors, the hacked up razor, and i fell to the floor laughing so hard I cried. “How did it get to this, God” I asked. “WHY DID YOU LET IT GET TO THIS? YOU WERE NEVER THERE, NOT EVEN WHEN I WAS ON MY TIP TOES IN MY NIGHTGOWN STANDING ON THE SNOW COVERED PAVEMENT BAWLING MY EYES OUT AT MIDNIGHT ON A SCHOOL NIGHT PRAYING FOR YOU TO SAVE ME. I EVEN SANG AMAZING GRACE FOR FUCK SAKES”. I punched the wall, started throwing shampoo bottles ,face wash, even my umbrella light. I left the razor and scissors on the bathroom floor and stumbled to my room, laying on the bed. The ceiling was putting on quite the show with all of its movements. I struggled to sit up. “We are going to try this one more time”I said out loud. I tried getting on my knees, but I couldn’t. I propped myself up on the backboard of the bed, and put my hands together. “In the name of the father, the son,the holy spirit”
“Please. Take my life into your hands. I don’t want this life that I live. I don’t want to live in a world where children get abused, and where people that do the right thing go to jail for trying to save them. I have no more fight. I need you to guide me. Jesus. JESUS CHRIST. Lord, please hear my prayer. Please. I am opening my heart to you. I renounce satan and all of his demons. I renounce all evil. Please guide me away from evil. Please, be my purpose to live. If you are my purpose to live, I will never have a reason not to”.
 
There was no amen. I passed out.
 
I woke up some 17 hours later . Dehydrated, pounding headache, but alive. I got out of bed, walked into the bathroom. “Aye ,good morning hacked up razor, sir suicide scissors” I tossed them both out. I picked up my mangled umbrella light,patted it ,apologized and decided to shower. Coming into the bathroom I nearly had a heart attack. My eyes. “AYYEEEE!!” I started dancing around .
 

The sparkle is back 🙂

The beginning of the end she says

No one could ever take your place, Everyday it gets harder, and the photos fade away.Years pile up but the scent of my perfume and the scratches on the side of my parents house  from your bike remain. The bike you road 8.9 miles every day in 90 degree weather to come see me after you had worked all morning in the blazing heat. I look around my room and am overwhelmed. The time we brought Swifty home in my purse,took her out and sat on the floor playing with her. Our countless blockbuster movie nights on the old mattress cuddling while devouring our  various junk food items. The times I would spend my time staring out my balcony window towards the water wishing you would be thinking about me too. All the adorable good morning texts I remember receiving from you before school in grade 10 waking up in my loft bed. Look up and see the black streaks of nail polish on my ceiling when I used my ceiling as nail polish remover ( you always hated black nails,and black hair too) but  I loved it. Walk down the hall and daze into the time when we were going to a party for the first time and my parents were nervous. Why,I will never know, its not like we brought a kitten home or anything. Walk down the stairs and stare blankly at the spot where we carved pumpkins and got most of it on the ceiling instead of in the garbage. Walk towards the living room and burst into tears. Christmas.

Why. Why did I have to hurt you. I want to go back and throw that phone in the river and hold you tight.I would have taken your advice,stayed in school . Given a second chance, I wouldn’t feel I had to prove anything to anyone!  I would have been graduated and in college just like you are. We would be on our way to marriage and I would be so happy.

I want to scream so you can hear me all those miles away. I want you to feel the pain I have felt the past 3 years. You were right , you are 8 steps ahead. And I would have such a bright future had I listened to you. Now my heart isn’t the only one that is going to be broken, and all because I thought I knew it all at 15.

So I  walk out of this house,18 years old, stripper heels in hand, tears in eyes,

The show goes on.

I thought I was worth more than that to you

I had faith for a future for us. A bright one. I was so blind. You never once were proud to call me your girlfriend.You never wanted to be seen with me, or have pictures taken of us. It was as if I wasn’t good enough to be your girlfriend. How was I so blind for so long. You never wanted me. I was so  in love that I just accepted the way you spoke to me and neglected me. I should have given up long ago, but i was so naive and believed that one day we would be one. A future of our little ones running around and me packing your lunches for work . I guess I was the only one that felt anything when we were together or talking. And to this day you do not know the effect that 1:21 has on our relationship. And it deeply saddens me to the point of tears. For so long I only considered you. Every shooting star, every prayer , every birthday wish, was to bring you back to me. That sweet boy who did everything for us. Rode his bike in 90 degree weather to my town just to be with me. And my prayer brought you back alright. But you are no longer that sweet 15 year old boy who gave his all. I was so excited. You took me out on a date for the first time in years. We had a great time, or so I thought.And at the end of it when you drove me home, you told me you wanted to ask me something, and my heart dropped. I thought “this is it! He wants to get back together, I have waited so long for this!”    Sitting in your car I turned to you with nearly tearful eyes and said “yes?..”       and you replied “do you want to have a quickie in the back seat?” And I sat there in shock. My heart broke into a million pieces right there. I couldn’t talk or even comprehend what you had just said. Years of waiting for you and putting you on this pedestal and you just wanted to get laid. I asked you to drive me home and when I got home I spent countless hours in front of the mirror trying to figure out why my body was the only thing anyone wanted. I have such a wonderful soul and mind and heart. Just another painful night wondering what my purpose is.